Sometimes grief causes me to be pretty caught up in all that I don't get to keep of my firstborn child. All that I never get to experience with him. He feels so very far away. I grieve over how few pictures I have of him. Yet there are those who don't have even one picture to display on the wall. There are so many many mothers who get nothing. And on the worst, most grief-ridden, all-consuming day I wouldn't take him back. I wouldn't give back a single second of my time with him. If not for this little boy, I don't know where I'd be. His memory centers me in my darkest moments, helps me carry on. This little guy made me the person I am today, the person I continue to become. I don't think Jerry would mind a bit if I said this little boy is the love of my life. I miss him every day, every second, but I am so grateful for everything he gave me. It is my dearest wish that this separation is not forever. Happy Birthday Matthew.
I am just so glad that sometimes God has said to me, "I've got something better." I don't think anyone could say that this hasn't rung true at least once in their life. I look back on my life ten years ago. I would've pictured something so different than what my life is today, but there are so many wonderful elements and people that I never expected. Experiences and college majors and children that I never saw coming. As I get older, I'm learning to stop planning so much, stop trying to make my life fit in a neat little box. Life doesn't always fit in that neat little box. People don't always fit in their neat little boxes. I want my life to unwind the way it's supposed to, not the way my small little mind plans it out.
This little lady is Raja. She was my first pet I got as a grown-up at 18 years old. A present from a long-gone ex boyfriend. She is now 11.5 years old (you do the math) and as spunky as ever. She stoicly insists on being an indoor cat. I can leave the front door open for hours, and the other cats and dogs may leave, but she would never step a foot outside. She likes peace and quiet and warmth. She has never budged an inch from her hatred of dogs, but adores the Kiddo and often moves onto her bed at night. We have been through 7 residences together and 3 boyfriends together. Two dogs, two other cats, a lost child, and now a four year old little girl who likes to drape her with plastic dress-up jewelry and carry her around like a baby. Jerry has been around for the last seven years, but she ultimately considers him a distant second to me. I am so glad she and I have been together this long, and I hope we have many more years to come.
I love loading up my car and hitting the open road. The feeling of a full tank of gas and miles ahead to go. Sometimes you just have to get out, you know? Roll the windows down, turn the music up on my Road Trip Playlist. Think about where I've been and where I'm headed. Of course, these days my Escape includes two dogs and a four year old in the backseat. That's just as wonderful. The freedom to take my little family and go where I want. Knowing that at the end of it, I'll go home again.
I admit it, I use my blog as a brain dump for all the negativity I feel some days. It's not always the optimistic place I want it to be. I'm sure any person with internet access knows the concept of a Gratitude Blog. So here we are.
I spend a lot of time looking at other people's lives with a bad taste in my mouth. I feel envious. I feel inferior. But most significantly, I forget to look at the beauty in my own life. I forget to be thankful for what I have. Because when it comes right down to it I am pretty blessed. There are so many days when I know my life is passing me by, but fail to do anything about it. I don't even know what to do about it. I just know I don't want to look back in ten or twenty or forty years and feel like it was all a blur and that I wasted all of it. I'm in my (very) late twenties and this decade went way too quickly. I didn't stop often enough and mark a spot in my memory. My daughter was born just yesterday and in three months she'll be five. Five! I feel like I am missing the whole show.
This blog is a spot for me to leave my negativity behind and just feel positive things. Optimistic things. Here, I want to mark moments in my life that I want to remember forever. I want to remember to be GRATEFUL.
